Haven’t really posted in a while, and, well, I really only post cause I hope you’d read it and maybe understand me a little better. 

Well admittedly this week has been shit. It started out when my braces broke, and when I got my phone for contact purposes I suddenly got the message that my aunt died. To me her death made me realize many things; that’s not to say that her death itself was not untimely and just too sudden. It also made me realize that maybe I’ve been taking life itself too lightly- the fragility of it and how precious relationships are. I saw how my mum sacrificed unconditionally due to her love for her sister and it made me see how noble and great she really is. But more importantly, I thought of you.

I thought of you, j. Our relationship, our love and our life. The past 8 mths have not been without kinks along the way, and I admit that more often than not I have been the cause of these. I’d like to think that I have been your joy and yet, your sorrow, and I’ve really been blessed to have been part of it. As I talked to you today, I kinda just let things out, and you did too. And after a while it just got depressing. What meant to be something good for us just turned us upside down and truthfully I was thrown off balance. 

One mistake I made in this relationship was taking things maybe a lil too far and too fast. I let my hormones rather than what I knew was right get the better of me. As a result you felt cheap and used. It was never my intention to let things turn out as it has and try as I might i cannot turn back the hands of time and correct my wrong. But if you would believe me, I’ve always thought of you as my greatest possession, my priceless gem, and of course the love of my life. I have never thought of you otherwise and I never will. Always will I treasure you and I vow to protect you with my life. 

Well things took a turn for the worse and what hit me was when you said you were tired of fighting. My heart broke. I felt wronged when you said that in the future you might not be able to make me happy, but in actual fact I’m still the happiest with you. Yea I might seem a little more agitated than usual and a little more stoned but that’s because I’m frustrated with myself, I’m not doing well in army, and I always think myself inferior and not good enough for you. Bby you still interest me as much as you did from day 1, maybe even more, and I apologize if I seem a little too cold and distant but that’s how I am when I have too much on my mind.. Everyday I’m scared of losing you, every waking moment I think of you, your smile, your laugh. You might not believe me but it’s true. You are the fuel that keeps me going when times get too tough, my sunshine in the darkest of my moments. 

Thoughts are getting a little too incoherent there’s really a lot on my mind. 

Okay. Then you said that what I said-that I loved you and would never leave you- was just something I could say but never do, not in the future anyway. Yes it’s a long shot, and yes it’s still too early in the relationship, but you need to trust me on this? No one could make me happier,and this I say for a fact. But I need to know that I’m not fighting alone cause that’s impossible for me to do so. that day when your whole saga happened, and you were so scared and didn’t know what to do, I was so moved and I told myself that you’d be the girl I wanna protect for the rest of my life. I swore to myself that. Bby touch my heart and tell me if I’m lying, if it’s something that I would not follow through! I really am madly in love with you and I need to know that you are, too. Please, please and I’m begging you… Fight with me? 

I love you, always have and always will.

I guess.. I’m really quite lost? I don’t know what to do, on one hand I wanna be selfish and want you all for myself, I get jealous just looking at pictures and … yea you get my drift. But on the other, I just wanna be supportive and be there for you in everything you do. Couldnt really sleep last night cause I was just thinking.. and thinking. Just hate the fact that I cant be with you 24/7, and I think I’m jealous that you’re so up there and I’m just.. a nobody. Can’t be the person I want to be and who you want me to be, though I’ve tried and tried.. I’m just afraid I’m not enough for you. On top of that, I guess, Im afraid that you won’t be able to say no? In the sense that rmb you told me that others’ opinions matter so much? What if one day they pressure you to do something you don’t like, or whatever, will you say no?

Im honestly happy for you, and I’m genuinely happy too.. just so many concerns that bug me till no end ): I guess I just need assurance.. That you can keep account to me, stay safe, push away any advances from other people although it might seem harmless.. and make time for me ):

ahh ok I know I just sound super unreasonable to you, and you probably dont like it but I dont either. Just.. dont mind me, and if you wanna, assure me again :/

So frustrated at myself.

RT tdy.. sucked. It’s not that I mind going for training on saturdays, rather, it was more slack than i expected. So a waste of time, well, not completely.

Super long journey home but thankfully my friend was there to talk, and a good one it was. Then rushed out to meet J (: slacked about at Starbucks for a bit then explored duxton area. Quite a nice place but food is too exp! But we found a nice chill place right smack in the middle, planning to go there during block leave (:

Ate at a jap restaurant which was okay, Miz I think-みず, then roamed around the nearby park and found a nice place to sit (: well, apart from the freaky altar. And the cute rat. Haha but spent a good time talking and sharing! Need to survive the week ahead sighh ;/

Love you J!

Can you be disappointed even though it’s what you expected?

Finding a nice toilet to bomb is alw a good idea haha.

Booking in soon. Really dreading the week ahead, because I’m unsure about the confinement issue. Praying hard that it won’t come to pass. In any case, baby if you’re reading this please know that I love you. Started off today on the wrong foot and I apologize, so let’s make up and move on alright? I still love you like mad and I can’t wait to see you next week! Esp since you planned our date heh. And you know I was saying how I can’t get used to this life without you? Well.. I still can’t. Love you loads, take care of yourself and wait for me alright?

Survived 6 days of field camp+ sitest package. Well, it was actually pretty enjoyable, and the only thing that I didn’t like was being away from j for so long. And what aggravated it was the fact that my phone had to spoil when I returned to coy line, and I couldn’t even tell her that I was back, safe and sound and anxiously waiting to see her. But the bad news was yet to come; I couldn’t become a runner during camp due to some stupid reasons so now I’m stuck with just seeing j at night. I’d love to stay with her longer just that, she needs her rest too. So I’ve decided to stay over tmr- kill 2 birds with one stone ^^ if you’re reading this ah j, don’t nag at me k I’ve made up my mind!

Bye bye for 3 weeks. I love you girlfriend!