Guilt. Is not a bad thing really. Like how I hurt you and I still feel guilty, it only serves to be a warning never to do it again. But, to each his own; you never really did listen to my advice anyway
Haven’t really posted in a while, and, well, I really only post cause I hope you’d read it and maybe understand me a little better.
Well admittedly this week has been shit. It started out when my braces broke, and when I got my phone for contact purposes I suddenly got the message that my aunt died. To me her death made me realize many things; that’s not to say that her death itself was not untimely and just too sudden. It also made me realize that maybe I’ve been taking life itself too lightly- the fragility of it and how precious relationships are. I saw how my mum sacrificed unconditionally due to her love for her sister and it made me see how noble and great she really is. But more importantly, I thought of you.
I thought of you, j. Our relationship, our love and our life. The past 8 mths have not been without kinks along the way, and I admit that more often than not I have been the cause of these. I’d like to think that I have been your joy and yet, your sorrow, and I’ve really been blessed to have been part of it. As I talked to you today, I kinda just let things out, and you did too. And after a while it just got depressing. What meant to be something good for us just turned us upside down and truthfully I was thrown off balance.
One mistake I made in this relationship was taking things maybe a lil too far and too fast. I let my hormones rather than what I knew was right get the better of me. As a result you felt cheap and used. It was never my intention to let things turn out as it has and try as I might i cannot turn back the hands of time and correct my wrong. But if you would believe me, I’ve always thought of you as my greatest possession, my priceless gem, and of course the love of my life. I have never thought of you otherwise and I never will. Always will I treasure you and I vow to protect you with my life.
Well things took a turn for the worse and what hit me was when you said you were tired of fighting. My heart broke. I felt wronged when you said that in the future you might not be able to make me happy, but in actual fact I’m still the happiest with you. Yea I might seem a little more agitated than usual and a little more stoned but that’s because I’m frustrated with myself, I’m not doing well in army, and I always think myself inferior and not good enough for you. Bby you still interest me as much as you did from day 1, maybe even more, and I apologize if I seem a little too cold and distant but that’s how I am when I have too much on my mind.. Everyday I’m scared of losing you, every waking moment I think of you, your smile, your laugh. You might not believe me but it’s true. You are the fuel that keeps me going when times get too tough, my sunshine in the darkest of my moments.
Thoughts are getting a little too incoherent there’s really a lot on my mind.
Okay. Then you said that what I said-that I loved you and would never leave you- was just something I could say but never do, not in the future anyway. Yes it’s a long shot, and yes it’s still too early in the relationship, but you need to trust me on this? No one could make me happier,and this I say for a fact. But I need to know that I’m not fighting alone cause that’s impossible for me to do so. that day when your whole saga happened, and you were so scared and didn’t know what to do, I was so moved and I told myself that you’d be the girl I wanna protect for the rest of my life. I swore to myself that. Bby touch my heart and tell me if I’m lying, if it’s something that I would not follow through! I really am madly in love with you and I need to know that you are, too. Please, please and I’m begging you… Fight with me?
I guess.. I’m really quite lost? I don’t know what to do, on one hand I wanna be selfish and want you all for myself, I get jealous just looking at pictures and … yea you get my drift. But on the other, I just wanna be supportive and be there for you in everything you do. Couldnt really sleep last night cause I was just thinking.. and thinking. Just hate the fact that I cant be with you 24/7, and I think I’m jealous that you’re so up there and I’m just.. a nobody. Can’t be the person I want to be and who you want me to be, though I’ve tried and tried.. I’m just afraid I’m not enough for you. On top of that, I guess, Im afraid that you won’t be able to say no? In the sense that rmb you told me that others’ opinions matter so much? What if one day they pressure you to do something you don’t like, or whatever, will you say no?
Im honestly happy for you, and I’m genuinely happy too.. just so many concerns that bug me till no end ): I guess I just need assurance.. That you can keep account to me, stay safe, push away any advances from other people although it might seem harmless.. and make time for me ):
ahh ok I know I just sound super unreasonable to you, and you probably dont like it but I dont either. Just.. dont mind me, and if you wanna, assure me again :/
RT tdy.. sucked. It’s not that I mind going for training on saturdays, rather, it was more slack than i expected. So a waste of time, well, not completely.
Super long journey home but thankfully my friend was there to talk, and a good one it was. Then rushed out to meet J (: slacked about at Starbucks for a bit then explored duxton area. Quite a nice place but food is too exp! But we found a nice chill place right smack in the middle, planning to go there during block leave (:
Ate at a jap restaurant which was okay, Miz I think-みず, then roamed around the nearby park and found a nice place to sit (: well, apart from the freaky altar. And the cute rat. Haha but spent a good time talking and sharing! Need to survive the week ahead sighh ;/
Booking in soon. Really dreading the week ahead, because I’m unsure about the confinement issue. Praying hard that it won’t come to pass. In any case, baby if you’re reading this please know that I love you. Started off today on the wrong foot and I apologize, so let’s make up and move on alright? I still love you like mad and I can’t wait to see you next week! Esp since you planned our date heh. And you know I was saying how I can’t get used to this life without you? Well.. I still can’t. Love you loads, take care of yourself and wait for me alright?
Survived 6 days of field camp+ sitest package. Well, it was actually pretty enjoyable, and the only thing that I didn’t like was being away from j for so long. And what aggravated it was the fact that my phone had to spoil when I returned to coy line, and I couldn’t even tell her that I was back, safe and sound and anxiously waiting to see her. But the bad news was yet to come; I couldn’t become a runner during camp due to some stupid reasons so now I’m stuck with just seeing j at night. I’d love to stay with her longer just that, she needs her rest too. So I’ve decided to stay over tmr- kill 2 birds with one stone ^^ if you’re reading this ah j, don’t nag at me k I’ve made up my mind!
These 3 weeks are gonna be tough. But I’m gonna man up and get through bmt. It rly isn’t the physical training I’m apprehensive about, rather the emotional torment from being away from my loved ones, especially J… But… (: I’m confident heh.
Now before you start judging, hear me out here: being the nice filial son that I am, cooked dinner for the family. Yes yes I know, you’re thinking, “it must suck” and all that, well, it didn’t. So there, go cook your own dinner you judgmental kids.
I have never blamed you, thats all I’m trying to say. I’m sorry you feel the way you do, for the things I’ve said or not said- all that I can tell you that it was never intended the way you thought it.
At the end of the day, I still love you. And I’m praying that the feeling is mutual..
If it’s one thing I promise you, let it be this: that it’d work out in the end. I’m not just paying lip service, I’m determined to make it come to pass. And I need you to remember those tears, cause it’ll be worth every drop. One day we’ll look back, and we’ll be glad that it happened (:
"In the end, it will be ok. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end"- anon
Finally back from the Big Apple, and still jet lagged as hell. Phew, and a big one at that, but the all in all the trip was good! Once in a lifetime kinda thing. I think if there was something I got back from this experience was that, I shouldn’t take things for granted. In everything, be it family, friends or even public transport I am truly blessed and I need to learn to appreciate them/it. Oh that, and the fact that 12 days is an especially long time to be away from loved ones…
Anyway. Went the J’s house to cook brunch and I thought we did a fairly good job doing so. Well, mostly me anyway hahaha but she did flip some pancakes.. Proceeded to bring her ahgong to the polyclinic and he and his wife were so adorable! Must have been married for very long as well; something I call growing old gracefully. But I thoroughly enjoyed doing this service(?), because it was a new experience for me- one that was fulfilling as well as meaningful. And it made me wonder how my ahgongs would have been if they were still alive… Ohwell~
Over the past few days we’ve hit a rough patch. Now, this isn’t some major argument per se but as with everything I think we should take a step back and reflect. Let me just say that we’ll undoubtedly come out of this much stronger than before, as long as we keep our heads straight and hearts together. I’ve promised that this would be the last that I’d pursue this matter, as long as your heart is with me. Let me elaborate a little here:
I’ve told you that I’m more or less irascible, and I hope that you forgive me for that. On top of that, I’m extremely sensitive which.. Might or might not be a bad thing. Over the past few days, I’ve learnt many things- treauring every single minute with you, not being so childish and immature, etc. - and although I’m still at this learning stage, I’ve come to realize that I’m really deeply and madly in love with you. I’m not lying when I say there are so many things I’ve yet to find out about you, and vice versa, about our nuances and idiosyncrasies, and it’s definitely a learning process which might be difficult to get used to. I hope you’re with me here, and though I say it’s difficult, it is necessary and I’m sure we can get through it together as we always have. Who knows, it might be an enjoyable development after all.
The important thing is, I’m just so in love with you, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Regarding the issue at hand, as you know by now that my worry in borne out of love for you my dear and I hope you don’t misunderstand me. I might be harsh at times and I ask for your forgiveness again, but I genuinely care for you- always have and always will. And as long as I have your word that you are trying to reciprocate these actions, frankly that’s enough for me, but remember, no empty promises here. I don’t want anymore stupid arguments that are just so detrimental to us anymore. I mean, we have such a long future ahead of us and this is just… Insignificant!
And now I know you’re thinking about my previous r/s, and if I can be honest with you, it just wasn’t what I was looking for. We were not open with each other, and I felt that I had to put on such a huge pretense in front of her and everybody. I knew we wouldn’t work out anyway. But with you it’s so much different my dear, for the first time I feel so comfortable in my own skin, something that even my family could not provide. For the first time I can bare my soul to someone, and not feel ashamed. For the first time I can be myself. And I know, I know that we will last. And just so you know, I’ve never regretted asking you to be mine, not for a second. So please don’t think any other way, alright? I love you with everything I have and everything I am.
Promise me something, alright? Yea it might seem too idealistic right now but, promise me that you’ll love me no matter what comes our way. If you have done that, I want you now to smile like an idiot to your screen ^^ hahaha.
On a lighter note, yesterday was good. Woke up to a hearty breakfast, followed by a jet-ski session which was fun (: chartered a boat out to st.kitts, and snorkeled. Almost died but the view above and below the Caribbean was stunning. We caught the sunset and it was exhilarating. The only regret I have was that you weren’t with me to enjoy the moment. Oh and the captain was really friendly, Steve and his wife Irene and had a great chat with them. Btw Steve looks like Chuck Norris haha. Okay pictures will be up soon, heh.
I really love you and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know recently we’ve been arguing, over the smallest things. I guess it happens but it cannot go on. Like I said, it’s easy to blame each other but we should talk it out and clear things by the end of the day, which, I’m glad we do. But let me rationalize here, I guess the root of the problem is that I’m becoming a little too possessive, I admit. And I’m really working to be more mature and sensible. It aggravates when I’m away from you for long periods of time because I miss you so much. If I’ve hurt you or made you upset I’m sorry :/ baby our r/s needs sacrifices as well, and we must be willing to do so. ‘Give and take’, is really apt here- think of it as a one way street and we must give way, alright? Bottom-line is, I love you and no matter how you push me away I’m here for you. And I promise not to let you cry; the only ‘what if’ that I can see is a long future ahead of us. And I promise to be there for you whenever you need, just a text or call away.
And btw, you can call me yours cause I’d have no one else (:
Trip has been awesome so far; really taking in the sights and sounds of the big apple and Caribbean. Though, both are starkly different by nature- one a bustling metropolis and the other a resort with a stunning view. In any case I am enjoying life (:
Ahh but I miss j so much! Can’t wait to get back to see her (: if you’re reading this, ily ^^